Exploring Positions: Exciting Ways to Enjoy Vaginal Sex

Why do many women and vulva-owners find it difficult to orgasm during intercourse?

For many people with vulvas, penetration is not the most reliable route to orgasm. Some amount of external clitoral stimulation is also required.

But sex continues to be defined—particularly in heterosexual relationships—as penis-in-vagina penetration. The necessary sequence tends to be: erection, penetration, ejaculation—sex revolves around the penis and ends when he comes. Clitoral stimulation is too often relegated to the realm of the optional—it’s considered ‘foreplay’—instead of a vital sex act in and of itself.

A lot of men mistakenly seem to think that sex is about jackhammering a penis as fast as possible into a vagina. But sex is so much more than that, and going straight from taking your clothes off to jackhammering is almost never a good idea. It can even be really uncomfortable or painful. It usually takes a little time for our bodies to feel sufficiently relaxed and aroused.

Unfortunately, too often for straight women, sex can just sort of feel like you’re serving as a vessel into which the man is masturbating—it’s no fun having sex with someone who doesn’t know or care about your pleasure and is in a hurry to satisfy himself and get it over with.

And so, for many women, faking it often simply seems like the least awkward way to end sex when it’s clear that orgasms (for them) are not on the menu.

If we understand that sex can be so much more than just penetration, as well as acknowledge how central to the pleasure of vulva-owners the clitoris can be; if we give equal priority to the pleasure of people of all genders, and become more comfortable giving and receiving feedback in bed; if we stop attaching our egos to how well we think we are able to individually ‘perform’ sexually and, instead, see sex as a shared experience and an opportunity to learn about each other’s pleasure; if we can get better at making each other feel comfortable and safe expressing ourselves in bed, not only when we enjoy something but even when something isn’t working for us, we’re all likely to have far more mutually joyful experiences.

Sex can be a lot of fun! But there’s more to sex than just thrusting as fast and hard as possible. Slow down, explore, savour, play, be present, take your time!

Remember: Most vulva owners don’t orgasm from penetration alone. Clitoral stimulation is also required!

External clitoral stimulation alone can result in orgasm for many vulva owners; clitoral + vaginal stimulation together can feel amazing for many vulva-owners, but penetration alone does not result in orgasm for the majority of people with vulvas

(Of course, everyone’s pleasure has unique specificities, and some people with vulvas may indeed enjoy how penetration feels on its own—but these are some general overarching insights that are worth keeping in mind.)

Once you grasp this, it’s actually pretty easy to navigate pleasure for vulvas—clitoral stimulation or a combination of clitoral and vaginal stimulation can be achieved using hands, mouth, toys or a combination thereof and, in fact, it can even be achieved during vaginal intercourse.

Positions to Try

If you’d like to explore how penis-in-vagina sex can become more pleasurable for both partners, here are some positions that enable adequate friction on the external clitoris alongside penetration.

The ‘woman on top’ or ‘cowgirl’ position is often a favorite to maximize pleasure during vaginal intercourse because it allows the person with the vulva to have more control over the movements, making it easier for them to ensure that their external clitoris is also getting some stimulation—typically against the partner’s pubic mound or lower abdomen.

Another position that lends itself to simultaneous clitoral and vaginal stimulation is the Coital Alignment Technique or CAT. It’s a variation on the standard ‘missionary’ sex position, tweaked to ensure that the clitoris is no longer ignored.

Instead of the typical in-and-out thrusting motion, penetration can take the form of a deeper rocking/grinding/rubbing motion—a rocking up and down instead of a thrusting in and out—with both partners pressing up against each other. This often allows for adequate, sustained clitoral stimulation alongside penetration.

Basically, if partners can place themselves in such a way so as to try to ensure that the vulva-owner’s clitoris can rub against the partner’s body during penetration, it’s more likely to be a satisfying experience for both people instead of for just the penis-owner.

Using Water based lube on the clitoris and on the section of the partner’s lower belly or pelvic region against which it is rubbing ensures greater comfort and pleasure.

While often suggested in the context of heterosexual penis-in-vagina sex, in fact these positions can also be explored by partners who both have vulvas, with either partner using a strap-on dildo.

What is squirting?

Squirting is the involuntary expulsion of liquid from the urethra by people with vulvas during sexual activity. The liquid may contain traces of urine as well as a thicker liquid called female ejaculate, produced by the Skene’s glands (also called the female prostate) which are a pair of little glands located on each side of the urethral opening.

While some people experience squirting during sex or masturbation, it’s worth knowing that in porn, squirting is often artificially created.

If you squirt, cool! Feel free to uninhibitedly enjoy this aspect of your body and pleasure. If you’ve never squirted, though, that’s fine too! Neither is it something to worry about if it happens, nor is it something to feel pressured to try to do.

How can you last longer in bed?

When it comes to the concerns of people with penises on the other hand, what we get asked most with regard to intercourse is, ‘How can I last longer?’

We do not recommend climax delay condoms and sprays as they typically contain ingredients that work by numbing the skin, and can therefore limit sensation for both partners. There are also all kinds of tablets and pills out there promising ‘virility’, ‘vigour’, and ‘stamina’, but too often, their efficacy is dubious, and I wouldn’t recommend taking any medication without consulting a doctor.

But here’s a technique that requires no medication, is free, and can be a lot of fun: Edging! It’s also sometimes called the ‘start-stop’ technique.

What is edging?

Edging is the sexual practice of delaying your orgasm so you can prolong the time until climax. While it can be practiced by anyone of any gender, it is often suggested as a technique for people with penises to ‘last longer’, as premature ejaculation tends to be a common concern among penis-owners. By pausing or switching things up when you feel yourself approaching orgasm, and repeating this a few times, you can keep enjoying solo or partnered sexual activity for a longer duration before ultimately climaxing.